I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
