I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
