I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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