My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
