he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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