We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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