I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize