i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she told me i tasted like america
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
