I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
All I want is dick and wine.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
