If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
i need some magic done to my vagina
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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