I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
How external is "for external use only"?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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