this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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