I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize