i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
