was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
