there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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