If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
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