So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
