I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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