Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
