So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
