Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
