dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
