Michael Bay diarrhea
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
