Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Your cock deserves a montage
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
