No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize