She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize