How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize