I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She told me I should be a condom model.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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