you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I need to calm my uterus...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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