he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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