Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
