The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
