Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
