Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
