i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
