Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
