soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
