I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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