do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
