So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
