If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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