her vagine was all disorganized.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
