Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Are we still banned from the library?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
