Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
