Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Betty ford says i'm here all night
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I could fuck to npr.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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