why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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