I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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