i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
