i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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