Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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