Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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