so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
