when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
