You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
