I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
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