Jerry, you need to find god
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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