I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
