she smelled like a LAN party
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
