So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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