i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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