do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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