I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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